335 21.12.2011 22:16:36 The efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution: "You do not want to try these techniques at home!""Why not?" asked a man from the audience."After years of not paying attention, I suddenly noticed my wife's routine at breakfast," the expert explained. "She made lots of trips to the refrigerator, stove, table, and cabinets, often carrying just a single item at a time. 'Hon,' I suggested, 'Why don't you try carrying several things at once? It'd be much more efficient.'""Well, did your suggestions save much time?" the attendeed asked.The expert replied, "Actually, yes. It used to take her 20 minutes to get breakfast ready. Now I do it in seven."
329 21.12.2011 22:16:36 A woman meets a man in a bar. They talk; they connect; they end up leaving together. They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment, she notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears. There are three shelves in the bedroom, with hundreds and hundreds of cute, cuddly teddy bears, carefully placed in rows covering the entire wall!It was obvious that he had taken quite some time to lovingly arrange them and she was immediately touched by the amount of thought he had put into organizing the display. There were small bears all along the bottom shelf, medium-sized bears covering the length of the middle shelf, and huge, enormous bears running all the way along the top shelf. She found it strange for an obviously masculine guy to have such a large a collection of Teddy Bears, but doesn't mention this to him, and actually is quite impressed by his sensitive side.They share a bottle of wine and continue talking and, after a while, she finds herself thinking, "Oh my God! Maybe, this guy could be the one! Maybe he could be the future father my children?"She turns to him and kisses him lightly on the lips. He responds warmly. They continue to kiss, the passion builds, and he romantically lifts her in his arms and carries her into his bedroom where they rip off each other's clothes and make hot, steamy love. She is so overwhelmed that she responds with more passion, more creativity, more heat than she has ever known.After an intense, explosive night of raw passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying there together in the afterglow. The woman rolls over, gently strokes his chest and asks coyly, "Well, how was it?"The guy gently smiles at her, strokes her cheek, looks deeply into her eyes, and says:"Help yourself to any prize from the middle shelf."
328 21.12.2011 22:16:36 Cruise Ship DiaryDAY ONEI am all packed and ready to get on the cruise ship. I've packed all my pretty dresses and make-up. I'm really excited.DAY TWOWe spent the entire day at sea. It was beautiful and we saw some whales and dolphins. What a wonderful vacation this has started out to be. I met the Captain today and he seems like a very nice man.DAY THREEI spent some time in the pool today. I also did some shuffle boarding and hit some golf balls off the deck. The Captain invited me to join him at his table for dinner. I felt honored and we had a wonderful time. He is a very attractive andattentive gentleman.DAY FOURWent to the ship's casino did OK ... won about $80. The Captain invited me to have dinner with him in his state room. We had a luxurious meal complete with caviar and champagne. He asked me to stay the night but I declined. I told him there was no way I could be unfaithful to my husband.DAY FIVEWent back to the pool today and got a little sunburned. I decided to go to the piano bar and spend the rest of the day inside. The Captain saw me and bought me a couple of drinks. He really is a charming gentleman. He again asked me to visit him for the night and again I declined. He told me that if I didn't let him have his way with me he would sink the ship. I was appalled.DAY SIXI saved 1600 lives today. Twice.
325 21.12.2011 22:16:36 A man who just got a raise decides to buy a new rifle for hunting season. He goes to a gun shop and asks the clerk to show him the best hunting rifle he has. The clerk shows him a beauty, and the man says he'll take it.The clerk then takes out a scope, and says to the man, "You may want a scope, too. This scope is so good, you can see my house all the way up on that hill."The man takes a look through the scope and starts laughing."What's so funny?" asks the clerk."I see a naked man and a naked woman running around in the house," the man replies.The clerk grabs the scope from the man and looks at his house. Then he hands two bullets to the man and says, "Here are two bullets, I'll give you this scope for free if you take these two bullets, shoot my wife's head off and shoot the guy's dick off."The man takes another look through the scope and hands back one of the bullets."What, you don't want to do it?" the clerk asks."It's not that," the man replies. "I just think I can do it with one shot!"
326 21.12.2011 22:16:36 A lady goes into a bar and sees a cowboy with his feet propped up on a table. He has the biggest feet she's ever seen. The woman asks the cowboy if what they say about men with big feet is true.The cowboy replies, "Sure is, why don't you come back to my place and let me prove it?"The woman figures "why not," and spends the night with him.When she sees him the next day, she hands the cowboy a $100 bill."I'm flattered," he says, blushing. "Nobody has ever paid me for my prowess before.""Well, don't be," the woman replies. "Take this money and go buy yourself some boots that fit!"