327 21.12.2011 22:16:36 After our last child was born, my wife told me we had to cut back on expenses -- in fact, she said, I had to give up drinking beer. I was not a big drinker, maybe a 12-pack on weekends.Anyway, I gave it up, and everything was fine until I noticed the other day when she came home from shopping. The receipt included $45 worth of makeup.I said, "Wait a minute! I've given up beer and you haven't given up anything!"She said, "I buy that makeup for you, so I can look pretty for you!"I told her, "Hell, that's what the beer was for!"I'm not sure yet, but I don't think she'll be back.
324 21.12.2011 22:16:36 A mother is driving a little girl to her friend's house for a play date."Mommy," the little girl asks, "how old are you?""Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age," the mother replied. "It's not polite.""OK", the little girl says, "How much do you weigh?""Now really," the mother says, "those are personal questions and are really none of your business."Undaunted, the little girl asks, "Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?""That is enough questions, young lady, honestly!"The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play."My Mom won't tell me anything about her," the little girl says to her friend."Well," says the friend, "all you need to do is look at her driver's license. It's like a report card, it has everything on it!"Later that night the little girl says to her mother, "I know how old you are: you're 32."The mother is surprised and asks, "How did you find that out?""I also know that you weigh 140 pounds!"The mother is past surprised -- she's shocked. "How in Heaven's name did you find that out?""And," the little girl says triumphantly, "I know why you and daddy got a divorce.""Oh really?" the mother asks, now getting suspicious. "Why?""Because you got an F in sex!"
322 21.12.2011 22:16:36 A beautiful young blonde woman was so depressed over her failed Broadway acting career that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean. But just before she could throw herself from the docks, a handsome young sailor stopped her."You have so much to live for," said the sailor. "Look, I’m off to Europe tomorrow and I can stow you away on my ship. I’ll take care of you, bring you food every day, and keep you happy."With nothing to lose, combined with the fact that she had always wanted to go to Europe, the woman accepted. That night the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat. From then on, every night he would bring her three sandwiches and make love to her until dawn.Three weeks later she was discovered by the captain during a routine inspection."What are you doing here?" asked the captain."I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she replied. "He brings me food and I get a free trip to Europe.""I see," the captain says."Plus," she adds, "he’s screwing me.""He certainly is," replied the captain. "This is the Staten Island Ferry."
323 21.12.2011 22:16:36 Bob came home from his first date with a gal, and had quite the black eye."What the heck happened to you?!" said his room mate, Mike."Hey pal, I was just following your advice!" Bob yelled."What?" Mike said. "Let me think. When did I give you this advice?"Bob rolled his eyes: "Just before I left, dummy."Mike thinks back. "You mean, 'kiss her when she leasts expects it'?""Oh hell," Bob says with a sigh as he put an ice pack on his shiner. "I thought you said where!"
313 21.12.2011 22:16:36 When our lawnmower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first -- the truck, the car, fishing... always something more important to me.Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house.I was gone only a few minutes. When I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. "When you finish cutting the grass," I said, "you might as well sweep the sidewalk."The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.