356 21.12.2011 22:16:36 Chlap sedí doma v křesle a vyhazuje do vzduchu arašídy a chytá je do pusy. Najednou ho manželka vyruší z této produktivní činnosti a právě vyhozený arašíd mu spadne do ucha. I s manželkou se ho snaží vyndat, ale arašíd se dostává stále hlouběji do ucha.V tu chvíli vejde do dveří dcera se svým kamarádem. Ten když vidí, co se děje, sebevědomě strčí chlapovi dva prsty do nosu a řekne mu: "Foukněte."A skutečně-arašíd vystřelí z ucha ven."To je fantastické," říká manželka, "ten chlapec je génius, jsem zvědavá, co z něho bude."Otec smutně přikývne. "Podle toho, jak mu smrděly prsty, bych řekl, že náš zeť."
354 21.12.2011 22:16:36 Woman in labour, shouting and screaming: 'Get this out of me! Give me drugs!' She turns to the boyfriend and says 'You did this to me, you bastard!'.He replied casually, 'If you remember, I wanted to stick it up your arse but you said, 'Fuck off- it'll be too painful! Now who's laughing?'
346 21.12.2011 22:16:36 He ordered only one hamburger, only one order of French fries and only one drink. The old man unwrapped the plain hamburger, carefully cut it in half, and placed one half in front of his wife.He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into twopiles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife. Then he put the drink cup on the table, exactly half-way between him and his wife.As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them kept looking over and whispering. You could tell they were thinking, "That poor old couple -- all they can afford is one meal for the two of them."As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to the table. He politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man said they were just fine -- "We are used to sharing everything," he said simply.The surrounding people noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She sat there watching her husband eat.Again the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them. This time it was the old woman who said, "No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything."As the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man yet again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked, "OK, but what is it you are waiting for?"She paused a bit before she answered, as if it were quite obvious, "the teeth!"
341 21.12.2011 22:16:36 Dorothy and Edna, two "senior" widows, get together for their regular weekly tea date.Dorothy is always asked Edna advice. "That nice George Johnson asked me out for a date," she says. "I know you went out with him a few times, and I wanted to talk with you about him before I give him my answer.""Well, I'll tell you the honest truth," Edna answers. "He shows up at my apartment punctually at 7 P.M., dressed like such a gentleman in a fine suit, and he brings me such beautiful flowers! Then he takes me downstairs, and what's there but a luxury car... a limousine, uniformed chauffeur and all. Then he takes me out for dinner... a marvelous dinner... lobster, champagne, dessert, and after-dinner drinks. Then we go see a show. Let me tell you, Dorothy, I enjoyed it so much I could have just died from pleasure! So then we are coming back to my apartment and he turns into an ANIMAL! Completely crazy, he tears off my expensive new dress and has his way with me -- two times!""Goodness gracious!" Dorothy says. "So you are telling me I shouldn't go out with him?""No, no, no," Edna replies. "I'm just saying, wear an old dress!"
334 21.12.2011 22:16:36 The retired sanitation worker got a job on the railways as a steward one summer, and the first day he accompanied another steward to learn the ropes. "It's very simple," said his tutor, "just use diplomacy.""What's diplomacy?" asked the older man, as that was something he'd never needed in the sewers."Watch me, I'll show you," said the steward-in-charge.Off they went down the train corridor, rattling compartment doors, opening them with special keys and offering tea or coffee. When the tutor steward flung open one door, he was confronted with a buck-naked woman. Without batting an eyelid he asked, "Tea or coffee, sir?"The surprised woman took the cup of tea and he shut the door."Wow, did you see that cutie?" said the new steward. "She had no clothes on! But hey, why did you call her 'sir'?""That's diplomacy!" said his tutor. "I did not want to embarrass her, so I gave her the impression I wasn't looking close enough to see whether she was a man or a woman, let alone undressed. See?"The retired man was most impressed with his teacher. The next day, on his own now, he flung open a door to a compartment and found a couple making love on the bed."Tea or coffee, sir?""Tea," the man replied."And for your brother?"