VTIPBÁZE.CZ
548 02.02.2016 12:57:33
Syrské letadlo je v nouzi a kapitán volá o pomoc: "Tady je Syrian Airlines, let číslo 174 z Londýna, kritický stav, závada motoru a hydrauliky, žádáme o povolení přistát na jakémkoliv letišti na blízkém východě s výjimkou Izraele, mayday mayday... "
Žádná reakce. Kapitán tedy volá znovu: "Tady je Syrian Airlines, let číslo 174 z Londýna, kritický stav, mayday, žádáme o povolení přistát na jakémkoliv letišti na blízkém východě s výjimkou Izraele, mayday mayday, kritická situace... " - a zase se nikdo neozve.
Napotřetí je už zoufalý: "Tady let 174, Syrian Airlines, musíme přistát kdekoliv, třeba i v Izraeli, celkové selhání letadla, pomoc, pomoc, kritická situace...!"
Okamžitě se ozve: "Tady letiště Ben Gurion, Tel Aviv, pro let 174, víme o vás, následujte naše instrukce..."
"Slyším, Ben Gurione, tady let 174, co máme dělat?"
"Tak především, opakujte po mně: Yitgadal V'Yitgadash Shemai Rabbah...."
389 23.12.2011 15:50:07
K letišti v australském Sydney se blíží obří Boeing 747.
"Věži, tady XXX Heavy. Jsme 50 mil od letiště, máme ten váš roztomilý malý ostrůvek na dohled."
Věž: "XXX Heavy, rozumím, udělejte si kolem toho roztomilého malého ostrůvku okruh a pak máte povoleno přistát."
387 23.12.2011 15:49:36
386 23.12.2011 14:17:23
Santa Claus, like all pilots, gets regular visits from the Federal Aviation Administration, and the FAA examiner arrived last week for the pre-Christmas flight check.

In preparation, Santa had the elves wash the sled and bathe all the reindeer. Santa got his logbook out and made sure all his paperwork was in order. He knew they would examine all his equipment and truly put Santa’s flying skills to the test…

The examiner walked slowly around the sled. He checked the reindeer harnesses, the landing gear, and Rudolph’s nose. He painstakingly reviewed Santa’s weight and balance calculations for the sled’s enormous payload.

Finally, they were ready for the checkride. Santa got in and fastened his seatbelt and shoulder harness and checked the compass. Then the examiner hopped in carrying, to Santa’s surprise, a shotgun.

“What’s that for?!?” asked Santa incredulously.

The examiner winked and said, “I’m not supposed to tell you this ahead of time,” as he leaned over to whisper in Santa’s ear, “but you’re gonna lose an engine on takeoff.”
380 21.12.2011 22:16:37
Best flight attendant of the world - before takeoff:
Hello, and welcome to Alaska Flight 438 to San Francisco. If you’re going to San Francisco, you’re in the right place. If you’re not going to San Francisco, you’re about to have a really long evening. We’d like to tell you now about some important safety features of this aircraft.
The most important safety feature we have aboard this plane are The Flight Attendants. Please look at one now.
There are 5 exits aboard this plane: 2 at the front, 2 over the wings, and one out the plane’s rear end. If you’re seated in one of the exit rows, please do not store your bags by your feet. That would be a really bad idea. Please take a moment and look around and find the nearest exit. Count the rows of seats between you and the exit. In the event that the need arises to find one, trust me, you’ll be glad you did. We have pretty blinking lights on the floor that will blink in the direction of the exits. White ones along the normal rows, and pretty red ones at the exit rows.
In the event of a loss of cabin pressure these baggy things will drop down over your head. You stick it over your nose and mouth like the flight attendant is doing now. The bag won’t inflate, but there’s oxygen there, I promise. If you are sitting next to a small child, or someone who is acting like a small child, please do us all a favor and put on your mask first. If you are traveling with two or more children, please take a moment now to decide which one is your favorite. Help your favorite first, and then work your way down.
In the seat pocket in front of you is a pamphlet about the safety features of this plane. I usually use it as a fan when I’m having my own personal summer. It makes a very good fan. It also has pretty pictures. Please take it out and play with it now.
Please take a moment now to make sure your seat belts are fastened low and tight about your waist. To fasten the belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle. To release, it’s a pulley thing — not a pushy thing like your car because you’re in an airplane.

After takeoff:
There is no smoking in the cabin on this flight. There is also no smoking in the lavatory. If we see smoke coming from the lavatories, we will assume you are on fire and put you out. This is a free service we provide.
There are two smoking sections on this flight, one outside each wing exit. We do have a movie in the smoking sections tonight … hold on, let me check what it is … Oh, here it is; the movie tonight is “Gone with the Wind.”
In a moment we will be turning off the cabin lights, and it’s going to get really dark, really fast. If you’re afraid of the dark, now would be a good time to reach up and press the yellow button. The yellow button turns on your reading light. Please don’t press the orange button unless you absolutely have to. The orange button is your seat ejection button.
We’re glad to have you with us on board this flight. Thank you for choosing AlaskaAir, and giving us your business and your money. If there’s anything we can do to make you more comfortable, please don’t hesitate to ask.
If you all weren’t strapped down, you would have given me a standing ovation, wouldn’t you?

After landing:
Welcome to the San Francisco International Airport. Sorry about the bumpy landing. It’s not the captain’s fault. It’s not the co-pilot’s fault. It’s the Asphalt.
Please remain seated until the plane is parked at the gate. At no time in history has a passenger beaten a plane to the gate. So please don’t even try.
Also, please be careful opening the overhead bins because….”shift does happen”.
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