336 21.12.2011 22:16:36 Dear Computer Guy: Where do the characters go when I use my backspace or delete them on my PC?The characters go to different places, depending on who you ask.The Buddhist Explanation: If a character has lived rightly, and its karma is good, then after it has been deleted it will be reincarnated as a different, higher-order character.The Mac user's Explanation: All the characters written on a PC and then deleted go to straight to PC hell. If you're using a PC, you can probably see the deleted characters, because you're in PC hell too.Stephen King's Explanation: Every time you hit the Delete key you unleash a tiny monster inside the cursor, who tears the poor, unsuspecting characters to shreds, drinks their blood, then eats them, bones and all. Hah, hah, hah!The Christian's Explanation: The nice characters go to Heaven, where they are bathed in the light of happiness. The naughty characters are punished for their sins. Naughty characters are those involved in the creation of naughty words, such as "breast", "sex" and "contraception".Dave Barry's Explanation: The deleted characters are shipped to Battle Creek, Michigan, where they're made into Pop-Tart filling; this explains why Pop-Tarts are so flammable, while cheap imitations are not flammable. I'm not making this up.IBM's Explanation: The characters are not real. They exist only on the screen when they are needed, as concepts, so to delete them is merely to de-conceptualize them. Get a life.PETA's Explanation: You've been deleting them?!? Can't you hear them screaming?!? Why don't you go club some baby seals while wearing a mink, you bastard!?!
333 21.12.2011 22:16:36 Two beggars are sitting side by side on a street in Rome.One has a Crucifix in front of him. The other one, the Star of David.Many people go by and look at both beggars, but they only put money into the hat of the beggar sitting behind the Crucifix. A priest comes by, stops and watches throngs of people giving money to the beggar behind the Crucifix, but nothing to the other beggar.Finally, the priest approaches the beggar behind the Star of David and says: "My poor fellow, don't you understand? This is a Catholic country."The man says nothing.The priest continues: "People aren't going to give you money if you sit there with a Star of David in front of you, especially when you're sitting beside a beggar who has a Crucifix."The man just stares at him."In fact," the man of the cloth concludes, "they probably give to him just out of spite."The beggar behind the Star of David finally turns to the other beggar with the Crucifix and says:"Moishe, look who's trying to teach the Goldstein brothers about marketing!"
331 21.12.2011 22:16:36 Three friends die in a car crash and they find themselves at the Gates of Heaven. Before entering, they are each asked a question by St. Peter himself."When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning upon you, what would you like to hear them say about you before they lower you into your grave?" asks St. Peter.The first guy says, "I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor and a wonderful family man."The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher who made a huge difference in our children."They all turn to the third guy, who looks like he's deeply pondering."I would like to hear," he says, "Wait! He's moving!"
320 21.12.2011 22:16:36 A man noticed he was being tailgated by a stressed-out woman on a busy boulevard. Suddenly, the light turned yellow, just in front of him. Not wanting to let the crazed woman push him, he stopped at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by flooring it.The tailgating woman slammed on her brakes, then her horn, screaming in frustration as she missed her chance to get through the intersection with him. As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer.The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up. He took her to the police station where she was searched, fingerprinted, photographed, and placed in a cell. After a couple of hours, the jailer approached the cell and opened the door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects."I'm sorry for this mistake," he says. "You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping the guy off in front of you, and cussing a blue streak at him. I noticed the 'Choose Life' license plate holder, the 'What Would Jesus Do' bumper sticker, the 'Follow Me to Sunday School' bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk.""Yeah, so?" she says."Naturally," he concluded, "I assumed you had stolen the car."
312 21.12.2011 22:16:36 A rich American tourist was holidaying in Rome, and was intent on seeing the Pope. There he stood, in a big long queue with a rather expensive suit on, hoping the Pope would notice how smart he was and perhaps talk a few words with him.As the Pope made his way slowly down the queue, he walked right past the American, hardly even noticing him. The Pope then stopped next to a low-life sot, leaned over and whispered something in the sot's ear, and made his way on again.This really angered the American. After speaking with the drunkard, the American agreed to pay 1000 dollars to exchange clothing, in the hope that the Pope would speak to him the next day.The next morning the American stood in the queue, waiting to see the Pope and hopefully exchange a few words. The Pope was making his way slowly up to the American. When he finally reached him, he leaned over to the American and spoke softly into his ear:"Hey!" the pontiff said quietly but curtly. "I thought I told you to get lost!"