372 21.12.2011 22:16:36 The priest in a small village was very fond of the chickens he kept in the hen house out behind the parish manse. He had a cock rooster and about ten hens.Well, one Saturday night, the cock rooster was missing, and because the priest had heard that cock fights occurred in the village, he decided to question his parishioners about it at church the next morning.At Mass, he asked the congregation, "Who's got a cock?"All the men stood up."No, No," he said, "That wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock?"All the women stood up."No, No," he said, "That wasn't what I meant either. Has anybody seen a cock that doesn't belong to them?"Half the women stood up."No, No," he said, "I meant: Has anybody seen MY cock?"Up stood five nuns, three altar boys, and two priests...
365 21.12.2011 22:16:36 Varhany jsou nástroj bohoslužeb, protože když znějí, cítíme boží majestát a když přestanou, cítíme boží milosrdenství.
350 21.12.2011 22:16:36 In a small midwestern conservative town, there wasn't a place to get a drink for miles around, so a local entrepreneur saw an opportunity: He started to build a tavern.Liking a "dry" town, the local church started a campaign to block the bar from opening with petitions and prayers. The businessman was polite when congregants came to protest, but work continued on the tavern.But the night before the grand opening, a lightning strike hit the bar and it burned to the ground.The church folks were rather smug in their piousness after that -- until the bar owner sued the church on the grounds that the church was ultimately responsible for the destruction of his building, either through direct or indirect actions or means.The church vehemently denied all responsibility or any connection to the building's demise in its reply to the court.At the first hearing, the judge held up the paperwork and took in the lawyers and both sides of the lawsuit."I don't know how I'm going to decide this," the judge said, "but as it appears from the paperwork, we have a bar owner that believes in the power of prayer, and an entire church congregation that doesn't."
347 21.12.2011 22:16:36 A distinguished young woman on a flight from Switzerland asked the priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favor?""Of course. What may I do for you?""Well, I bought an expensive woman's electronic hair dryer for my mother's birthday that is unopened and well over the Customs limits, and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through Customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?""I be glad to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie."She nodded and accepted the risk. "With your honest face, Father, no one will question you."When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her.The official asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?""From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare."The official thought this answer was rather strange, so he asked, "And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?""I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused."It took a moment for the customs man to absorb the statement, but once he did he had a hard time keeping a straight face as he called out, "Next!"
343 21.12.2011 22:16:36 Programmer Turned Minister FAQQ: Does God control everything that happens in my life?A: He could, if he used the debugger, but it's tedious to step through all those variables.Q: Why does God allow evil to happen?A: God thought he eliminated evil in one of the earlier versions.Q: What causes God to intervene in earthly affairs?A: If a critical error occurs, the system pages him automatically and he logs on from home to try to bring it up. Otherwise things can wait until tomorrow.Q: Did God really create the world in seven days?A: He did it in six days and nights while living on cola and candy bars. On the seventh day he went home and found out his girlfriend had left him.Q: How come the Age of Miracles Ended?A: That was the development phase of the project; now we are in the maintenance phase.Q: Who is Satan?A: Satan is a MIS director who takes credit for more powers than he actually possesses, so people who aren't programmers are scared of him. God thinks of him as irritating but irrelevant.Q: What is the role of sinners?A: Sinners are the people who find new and imaginative ways to mess up the system when God has made it idiot-proof.Q: Where will I go after I die?A: Onto a backup tape.Q: Will I be reincarnated?A: Not unless there is a special need to recreate you. And searching those tar files is a major hassle, so if there is a request for you, God will just say that the tape has been lost.Q: Am I unique and special in the universe?A: There are over 10,000 major university and corporate sites running exact duplicates of you in the present release version.Q: What is the purpose of the universe?A: God created it because he values elegance and simplicity, but then the users and managers demanded he tack all this senseless stuff onto it and now everything is more complicated and expensive than ever.Q: If I pray to God, will he listen?A: You can waste his time telling him what to do, or you can just get off his back and let him program.Q: What is the one true religion?A: All systems have their advantages and disadvantages, so just pick the one that best suits your needs and don't let anyone put you down.Q: How can I protect myself from evil?A: Change your password every month and don't make it a name, a common word, or a date like your birthday.Q: Some people claim they hear the voice of God. Is this true?A: No -- they are much more likely to receive email.