324 21.12.2011 22:16:36 A mother is driving a little girl to her friend's house for a play date."Mommy," the little girl asks, "how old are you?""Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age," the mother replied. "It's not polite.""OK", the little girl says, "How much do you weigh?""Now really," the mother says, "those are personal questions and are really none of your business."Undaunted, the little girl asks, "Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?""That is enough questions, young lady, honestly!"The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play."My Mom won't tell me anything about her," the little girl says to her friend."Well," says the friend, "all you need to do is look at her driver's license. It's like a report card, it has everything on it!"Later that night the little girl says to her mother, "I know how old you are: you're 32."The mother is surprised and asks, "How did you find that out?""I also know that you weigh 140 pounds!"The mother is past surprised -- she's shocked. "How in Heaven's name did you find that out?""And," the little girl says triumphantly, "I know why you and daddy got a divorce.""Oh really?" the mother asks, now getting suspicious. "Why?""Because you got an F in sex!"
322 21.12.2011 22:16:36 A beautiful young blonde woman was so depressed over her failed Broadway acting career that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean. But just before she could throw herself from the docks, a handsome young sailor stopped her."You have so much to live for," said the sailor. "Look, I’m off to Europe tomorrow and I can stow you away on my ship. I’ll take care of you, bring you food every day, and keep you happy."With nothing to lose, combined with the fact that she had always wanted to go to Europe, the woman accepted. That night the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat. From then on, every night he would bring her three sandwiches and make love to her until dawn.Three weeks later she was discovered by the captain during a routine inspection."What are you doing here?" asked the captain."I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she replied. "He brings me food and I get a free trip to Europe.""I see," the captain says."Plus," she adds, "he’s screwing me.""He certainly is," replied the captain. "This is the Staten Island Ferry."
323 21.12.2011 22:16:36 Bob came home from his first date with a gal, and had quite the black eye."What the heck happened to you?!" said his room mate, Mike."Hey pal, I was just following your advice!" Bob yelled."What?" Mike said. "Let me think. When did I give you this advice?"Bob rolled his eyes: "Just before I left, dummy."Mike thinks back. "You mean, 'kiss her when she leasts expects it'?""Oh hell," Bob says with a sigh as he put an ice pack on his shiner. "I thought you said where!"
321 21.12.2011 22:16:36 After joining the Army, because he was previously a used car salesman Billy-Bob's first military assignment was to a military induction center, and because he was a good talker they assigned him the duty of advising new recruits about the government benefits, especially the G.I. insurance.Before long, the Captain in charge of the induction center began noticing that Billy-Bob was getting a 99% signup for the top G.I. insurance policy. This was odd, since it would cost these poor inductees nearly $30.00 per month more for the extra coverage.The Captain decided that he would not ask Billy-Bob about his selling techniques but would sit in the back of the room and observe his sales pitch.Billy-Bob stood up before his latest group of inductees and stated, "If'n y'all have normal G.I. insurance and go to Iraq and get killed, the government pays your Mama or your wife $6,000, right?"The men murmured in agreement. "Now," he continued, "if'n y'all take out the supplemental G.I. insurance, which cost you only $30.00 a month, the government has to pay your Mama or your wife $200,000. See?"The men nodded."OK," Billy-Bob concluded: "which bunch you think they gonna send to the most dangerous areas in Iraq first?"
320 21.12.2011 22:16:36 A man noticed he was being tailgated by a stressed-out woman on a busy boulevard. Suddenly, the light turned yellow, just in front of him. Not wanting to let the crazed woman push him, he stopped at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by flooring it.The tailgating woman slammed on her brakes, then her horn, screaming in frustration as she missed her chance to get through the intersection with him. As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer.The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up. He took her to the police station where she was searched, fingerprinted, photographed, and placed in a cell. After a couple of hours, the jailer approached the cell and opened the door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects."I'm sorry for this mistake," he says. "You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping the guy off in front of you, and cussing a blue streak at him. I noticed the 'Choose Life' license plate holder, the 'What Would Jesus Do' bumper sticker, the 'Follow Me to Sunday School' bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk.""Yeah, so?" she says."Naturally," he concluded, "I assumed you had stolen the car."