318 21.12.2011 22:16:36 A company had a vast scrap yard in the middle of a desert. Management said, "Someone might steal from it at night." So they created a night watchman position and hired a person for the job.Then management said, "How does the watchman do his job without instruction?" So they created a planning department and hired two people: one person to write the instructions and one person to do time studies.Then management said, "How will we know the night watchman is doing his tasks correctly?" So they created a Quality Control department and hired two people: one to do the studies and one to write the reports.Then management said, "How are all these people going to get paid?" So they created positions for a timekeeper and a payroll officer, and hired two more people to fill them.Then management said, "Who will be accountable for all of these people?" So they created an administrative section and hired three people: an Administrative Officer, Assistant Administrative Officer, and a Legal Secretary.Then management said, "We've had this command in operation for one year now and we're $18,000 over budget. We have to cut back on overall costs."So they laid off the night watchman.
319 21.12.2011 22:16:36 On a septic tank truck in Oregon: Yesterday's Meals on WheelsAt a tire shop in Milwaukee: Invite Us To Your Next BlowoutSign over a gynecologist's office: Dr. Jones -- At Your CervixOn a plumber's truck: We Repair What Your Husband FixedOn a plastic surgeon's office door: Hello! Can we pick your nose?At a towing company: We don't charge an arm and a leg. We just want tows.On an electrician's truck: Let Us Remove Your ShortsOn a maternity room door: Push. Push. Push!At an optometrist's office: If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place.On a taxidermist's window: We Really Know Our StuffIn a podiatrist's office: Time wounds all heels.Outside a muffler shop: No appointment necessary. We hear you coming.In a veterinarian's waiting room: Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!At the electric company: We would be delighted if you send in your payment. However, if you don't, you will be.In a restaurant window: Don't stand there and be hungry, Come on in and get fed up.At a propane filling station: Thank Heaven For Little Grills
316 21.12.2011 22:16:36 It's that time again!As a Public Service, we're getting the word out on this important topic.This year, the cleaning process will take place from 12:01 a.m. GMT on April 1 until 12:01 a.m. GMT on April 2 (the time least likely to interfere with ongoing work). During that 24-hour period, five powerful Internet search engines situated around the world will search the Internet and delete any data that they find.In order to protect your valuable data from deletion we ask that you do the following:1. Disconnect all terminals and local area networks from their Internet connections.2. Shut down all Internet servers, or disconnect them from the Internet.3. Disconnect all disks and hard drives from any connections to the Internet.4. Refrain from connecting any computer to the Internet in any way.We understand the inconvenience that this may cause some Internet users, and we apologize. However, we are certain that any inconveniences will be more than made up for by the increased speed and efficiency of the Internet, once it has been cleared of electronic flotsam and jetsam.We thank you for your cooperation.Kim DereksenInterconnected Network Maintenance staffMassachusetts Institute of Technology(PS to sysops and admins: Since the last Internet cleaning, the number of Internet users has grown dramatically. Please assist us in alerting the public of the upcoming Internet cleaning by posting this message where your users will be able to read it. Please pass this message on to other sysops and Internet users as well. Thank you.)
317 21.12.2011 22:16:36 While strolling past a pet shop, a cat notices a sign in the window: Help Wanted. Knowing himself to be no ordinary feline, he saunters into the shop and calls out "Hello! I'd like to apply for the job."The owner of the pet shop is very amused at the idea of a talking cat, and she wants to hear more, so she plays along, saying "Oh, I'm sorry, but this is a clerical job. We need someone who can type and file."The cat hastens over to the office typewriter and, quick as a wink, he pounds out something about a quick brown fox and a lazy dog until he has filled a page. He grabs a stack of papers, alphabetizes them by subject matter, and puts them away in the file cabinet in less time than one would expect of a critter who lacks opposable thumbs.The owner is charmed, but figures she can't possibly hire a cat, so she thinks of another excuse. "You type very nicely, and your filing is flawless, but this job demands computer literacy."The cat immediately takes his place in front of the computer and, mouse in paw, cruises the Web, gathering useful information about increasing the profitability of pet shops (stopping briefly at Jumbo Joke to see the latest entry).The owner is stunned. She has got to think of a tactful way to tell this cat that she isn't going to give him a job."Well, you're an amazing cat indeed. You type, you file, and you're a computer whiz. But we really, really must have someone who is bilingual."The cat stares imploringly into the owner's eyes and says "Woof!"
315 21.12.2011 22:16:36 "When I recently visited my brother Jim, a family practitioner, I had some time to kill while he finished office hours. So I idly leafed through some patient "charts" that were stacked on his desk. As you see, good writing runs in our family."Actual Entries on Hospital ChartsShe has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.On the second day the knee was better, and on the third day it disappeared.The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.Discharge status: Alive but without my permission.Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year-old male, mentally alert but forgetful.The patient refused autopsy.The patient has no previous history of suicides.Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.Patient's medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40-pound weight gain in the past three days.Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.She is numb from her toes down.While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.The skin was moist and dry.Occasional constant infrequent headaches.Patient was alert and unresponsive.Rectal examination revealed a normal-size thyroid.She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce.I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stockbroker instead.Skin: somewhat pale but present.The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Blank, who felt we should sit on the abdomen, and I agree.Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.Patient has two teenage children but no other abnormalities.