314 21.12.2011 22:16:36 A friend of mine has a huge Labrador Retriever. It eats a lot, and we went to the store to buy a large bag of dog food. We were in line to check out and a woman behind him asked if he had a dog.The "what a moron!" look on my buddy's face was priceless, and I knew what it meant: he was going to toy with her. He told her that no, he was starting The Purina Diet again although he probably shouldn't -- he said he had ended up in the hospital last time, but that he'd lost 50 pounds before he awakened in intensive care with tubes coming out of most of his orifices and IVs in both arms.He told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. He said that the food is nutritionally complete so he was going to try it again.I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with his story, particularly a big tall guy who was behind the woman.Horrified, she asked why he ended up in the hospital -- had the Purina made him sick? He told her no; he'd been sitting in the middle of the street licking his balls and a car hit him.The woman turned fire-engine red, and I helped the tall guy up off the floor.
312 21.12.2011 22:16:36 A rich American tourist was holidaying in Rome, and was intent on seeing the Pope. There he stood, in a big long queue with a rather expensive suit on, hoping the Pope would notice how smart he was and perhaps talk a few words with him.As the Pope made his way slowly down the queue, he walked right past the American, hardly even noticing him. The Pope then stopped next to a low-life sot, leaned over and whispered something in the sot's ear, and made his way on again.This really angered the American. After speaking with the drunkard, the American agreed to pay 1000 dollars to exchange clothing, in the hope that the Pope would speak to him the next day.The next morning the American stood in the queue, waiting to see the Pope and hopefully exchange a few words. The Pope was making his way slowly up to the American. When he finally reached him, he leaned over to the American and spoke softly into his ear:"Hey!" the pontiff said quietly but curtly. "I thought I told you to get lost!"
313 21.12.2011 22:16:36 When our lawnmower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first -- the truck, the car, fishing... always something more important to me.Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house.I was gone only a few minutes. When I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. "When you finish cutting the grass," I said, "you might as well sweep the sidewalk."The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.
311 21.12.2011 22:16:36 Particularly literate people have a way of delivering rebukes and insults. In fact, they do it a lot better than you do."A graceful taunt is worth a thousand insults." --Louis Nizer"I feel so miserable without you. It's almost like having you here." --Stephen Bishop"He is a self-made man and worships his creator." --John Bright"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire." --Winston Churchill"A modest little person, with much to be modest about." --Winston Churchill"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial." --Irvin S. Cobb"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure." --Clarence Darrow"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary." --William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway)"Poor Faulkner. Does he really think big emotions come from big words? --Ernest Hemingway (about William Faulkner)"He had delusions of adequacy." --Walter Kerr"He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know." --Abraham Lincoln"You've got the brain of a four-year-old boy, and I bet he was glad to get rid of it." --Groucho Marx"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it." --Groucho Marx"He has the attention span of a lightning bolt." --Robert Redford"He loves nature in spite of what it did to him." --Forrest Tucker"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it." --Mark Twain"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork." --Mae West"She is a peacock in everything but beauty." --Oscar Wilde"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go." --Oscar Wilde"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends." --Oscar Wilde"He has Van Gogh's ear for music." --Billy Wilder
310 21.12.2011 22:16:36 Government Pipe Specifications1. All pipe is to be made of a long hole, surrounded by metal or plastic, centered around the hole.2. All pipe is to be hollow throughout the entire length -- do not use holes of different length than the pipe.3. The ID (Inside Diameter) of all pipe must not exceed their OD (Outside Diameter) -- otherwise the hole will be on the outside.4. The pipe is supplied with nothing in the hole, so that water, steam or other stuff can be put inside at a later date.5. All pipe is to be supplied without rust; this can be more readily applied at the job site. (NOTE: Some vendors are now able to supply pre-rusted pipes. If available in your area, this product is recommended as it will save a great deal of time at the job site.)6. All pipe over 500ft (150m) in length should have the words "LONG PIPE" clearly painted on each side and end, so the contractor will know it's a long pipe.7. Pipe over 2 miles (3.2km) in length must also have the words "LONG PIPE" painted in the middle so the contractor will not have to walk the entire length of the pipe to determine whether it is a long or short pipe.8. All pipe over 6ft (1.83m) in diameter must have the words "LARGE PIPE" painted on it, so the contractor won't mistake it for a small pipe.9. Flanges must be used on all pipe. Flanges must have holes from bolts that are quite separate from the big holes in the middle.10. When ordering 90 or 30 degree elbows, be sure to specify left-hand or right-hand, otherwise you will end up going the wrong way.11. Be sure to specify to your vendor whether you want level, uphill or downhill pipe. If you use downhill pipe for going uphill, the water will flow the wrong way.12. All couplings should have either right-hand or left-hand threads, but do not mix the threads. Otherwise, as the coupling is being screwed on to one pipe, it is being unscrewed from the other.13. All pipes shorter than 1/8in (3mm) are very uneconomical in use, requiring many joints. They are generally known as washers.14. Joints in pipes for water must be watertight. Those pipes for compressed air, however, need only be airtight.15. Lengths of pipes may be welded or soldered together. This method is not recommended for concrete or earthenware pipes.16. Other commodities are often confused with pipes. These include; Conduit, Tube, Tunnel, and Drain. Use only genuine pipes.