308 21.12.2011 22:16:36 How to place new employees in the right jobs for them:Put 400 bricks in a closed room.Put your new hires in the room and close the door.Leave them alone and come back after 6 hours.Then analyze the situation:If they are counting the bricks, put them in the Accounting Department.If they are recounting them, put them in Auditing.If they have messed up the whole place with the bricks, put them in Engineering.If they are arranging the bricks in some strange order, put them in Planning.If they are throwing the bricks at each other, put them in Operations.If they are sleeping, put them in Security.If they have broken the bricks into pieces, put them in Information Technology.If they are sitting idle, put them in Human Resources.If they say they have tried different combinations, they are looking for more, yet not a brick has been moved, put them in Sales.If they have already left for the day, put them in Marketing.If they are staring out of the window, put them in Strategic Planning.If they are talking to each other, and not a single brick has been moved, congratulate them and put them in Top Management.If they have surrounded themselves with bricks in such a way that they can neither be seen nor heard from, put them in Congress.
309 21.12.2011 22:16:36 A woman walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them.Her curiosity getting the better of her, she goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing.The man says, "I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'""But why?" asks the woman."I'm a divorce lawyer," the man replies.
307 21.12.2011 22:16:36 Here's a truly heartwarming story about the bond formed between a little 5-year-old girl and some construction workers that makes you believe that we can make a difference when we give a child the gift of our time.A young family moved into a house next door to a vacant lot. One day a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot. The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and spent much of each day observing the workers.Eventually the construction crew, all of them gems-in-the-rough, more or less adopted her as a kind of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.At the end of the first week they even presented her with a pay envelope containing an official payroll check! It was only $2, but the little girl took this home to her mother who said all the appropriate words of admiration and suggested that they take the two-dollar "pay" she had received to the bank the next day to start a savings account.When they got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own paycheck at such a young age. The little girl proudly replied, "I worked last week with the crew building the house next door to us.""My goodness gracious!" said the teller. "And will you be working on the house again this week, too?"The little girl replied, "I will if those dirtbags at Home Depot ever deliver the damned sheetrock!"Stories like this just bring a tear to your eye.
306 21.12.2011 22:16:36 One of the many 90s business trends was "three nines" -- businesses should strive for 99.9% accuracy, 99.9% customer satisfaction, 99.9% quality, etc.Is 99.9% "good enough"? If so...Two million documents will be lost by the IRS this year.811,000 faulty rolls of 35mm film will be loaded this year.22,000 checks will be deducted from the wrong bank accounts in the next 60 minutes.1,314 phone calls will be misplaced by telecommunication services every minute.12 babies will be given to the wrong parents each day.268,500 defective tires will be shipped this year. [Gee: with the Firestones on Explorers, it looks like this one came true!]14,208 defective personal computers will be shipped this year. [Well, yeah....]103,260 income tax returns will be processed incorrectly this year. [ditto!]2,488,200 books will be shipped with the wrong cover in the next 12 months.132,412,800 cans of soft drinks produced in the next 12 months will be flatter than one of the 268,500 defective tires.Two plane landings daily at O'Hare International Airport will be unsafe.3,056 copies of tomorrow's Wall Street Journal will be missing one of the three sections.18,322 pieces of mail will be mishandled in the next hour.291 pacemaker operations will be performed incorrectly this year.880,000 credit cards in circulation will turn out to have incorrect cardholder information on their magnetic strips.$9,690 will be spent every day on defective, often unsafe sporting equipment.55 malfunctioning automatic teller machines will be installed in the next 12 months.20,000 incorrect drug prescriptions will be written in the next 12 months.114,500 mismatched pairs of shoes will be shipped this year.$761,900 will be spent on tapes and CDs that won't play.107 incorrect medical procedures will be performed each day.315 entries in Webster's Third New International Dictionary of English Language will be misspelled.And you thought 99.9% was good enough!!
305 21.12.2011 22:16:36 As scientists and concerned citizens, we applaud the recent trend toward legislation which requires the prominent placing of warnings on products that present hazards to the general public. Yet we must also offer the cautionary thought that such warnings, however well-intentioned, merely scratch the surface of what is really necessary in this important area. This is especially true in light of the findings of 20th century physics.We therefore propose that the following list of warnings appears on every product offered for sale in the United States:WARNING: This Product Warps Space and Time in Its Vicinity.CAUTION: The Mass of This Product Contains the Energy Equivalent of 85 Million Tons of TNT per Net Ounce of Weight.HANDLE WITH EXTREME CARE: This Product Contains Minute Electrically Charged Particles Moving at Velocities in Excess of Five Hundred Million Miles Per Hour.CONSUMER NOTICE: Because of the Uncertainty Principle, It Is Impossible for the Consumer to Find Out at the Same Time Both Precisely Where This Product Is and How Fast It Is Moving. (Note: This one is optional on the grounds that Heisenberg was never quite sure that his principle was correct.)ADVISORY: There is an Extremely Small but Nonzero Chance That, Through a Process Know as Tunneling, This Product May Spontaneously Disappear from Its Present Location and Reappear at Any Random Place in the Universe, Including Your Neighbor's Domicile. The Manufacturer Will Not Be Responsible for Damages or Inconvenience That May Result.PLEASE NOTE: Some Quantum Physics Theories Suggest That When the Consumer Is Not Directly Observing This Product, It May Cease to Exist or Will Exist Only in a Vague and Undetermined State.HEALTH WARNING: Care Should Be Taken When Lifting This Product, Since Its Mass, and Thus Its Weight, Is Dependent on Its Velocity Relative to the User.ATTENTION: Despite Any Other Listing of Product Contents Found Hereon, the Consumer is Advised That, in Actuality, This Product Consists Of 99.999999999% Empty Space.