304 21.12.2011 22:16:36 You Might Be An ER Physician/Nurse If...1. you have ever had to leave a patient's room before you began laughing uncontrollably.2. discussing dismemberment over a gourmet meal seems perfectly normal to you.3. you believe a good tape job will fix anything.4. you have the bladder capacity of five normal people.5. you can identify the positive teeth-to-tattoo ratio.6. your idea of a good time is a full arrest at shift change.7. you find humor in other people's stupidity.8. you believe in aerial spraying of Prozac.9. you disbelieve 90% of what you are told and 75% of what you see.10. you have your weekends off planned a year in advance.11. your idea of comforting a child is to place them in a papoose restraint.12. you encourage an obnoxious patient to sign out Against Medical Advice so you don't have to deal with them any longer.13. you believe that "Shallow Gene Pool" should be a diagnosis.14. you believe the government should require a permit to reproduce.15. you plan your dinner while performing gastric lavage.16. you believe that "Ask-A-Nurse" is an evil plot thought up by Satan.17. you believe that unspeakable evil will befall you if the phrase "Wow, it's really quiet" is uttered.18. you refer to Friday as "Dump Day".19. your diet consists of food that has undergone more processing than most computers.20. you believe chocolate is a food group.21. you take it as a compliment when someone calls you a bastard.22. you compliment complete strangers out in public on their "good veins".23. you have ever referred to someone's death as a transfer to the "Eternal Care Unit".24. you don't think a referral to Dr. Kevorkian is inappropriate.25. you have ever referred to someones death as a "Celestial Discharge".26. you have ever answered a "lost condom" phone call (See "Ask-A-Nurse" above.)27. you refer to someone in respiratory distress as a "Smurf".28. your idea of a really good time is Duelling Shock Rooms.39. you have ever wanted to hold a seminar entitled "Suicide: Getting it right."30. you believe that "Too Stupid to Live" should be a diagnosis.
303 21.12.2011 22:16:36 Yeah, I've seen this a number of times in the last year, but I really like it -- it's well worth a repeat if you've seen it before. :-)The guy goes into the backyard and sees a black lab just sitting there."You talk?" he asks."Yep," the lab replies."So, what's your story?The lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered this gift pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running, but the jetting around really tired me out. I knew I wasn't getting any younger and I really wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals. I had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now I'm retired."The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks Bubba what he wants for the dog."Ten dollars."The guy says, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?""Because he's a liar. He didn't do any of that stuff."
302 21.12.2011 22:16:36 A woman was arrested for shoplifting. When she went before the judge he asked her, "What did you steal?""A can of peaches," she replied.The judge asked her why she had stolen them and she replied that she was hungry.The judge then asked her how many peaches were in the can. She replied "six".The judge then said, "I will give you 6 days in jail."Before the judge could actually pronounce the punishment the woman's husband spoke up and asked the judge if he could say something.The judge, figuring he was going to make a speech pleading for leniency, figured he pretty much had to let him speak. "Go ahead, sir," he said.The husband said, "She also stole a can of peas."
298 21.12.2011 22:16:36 Dívčí internátní škola na jihu USA. Před koncem školního roku chce paní ředitelka pro děvčata uspořádat taneční bál, ale narazí na problém nedostatku pánů. Volá proto na nedalekou vojenskou základnu, zda by k nim nemohli pár slušně vychovaných mladíků poslat na ten ples. S tolerancí to na jihu nikdy nebylo nejlepší a tak i ředitelka má speciální požadavky: "V mé škole studují slušná křesťanská děvčata proto doufám, že mezi těmi vojáky, co mi pošlete nebudou žádní židi." "Jak si přejete, vyřídím panu plukovníkovi..."Přijde den, kdy se má ples konat. Na nádvoří školy vjede vojenský náklaďák a z korby seskočí padesát vyfešákovaných černochů v kvádrech. "Panebože, to musí být nějaký omyl!" málem omdlí ředitelka.Řidič odpoví: "Ale kdepak, toto jsou naši vzorní vojáci, co k vám jedou na ples.""Jste si jistý, že zrovna tihle?""Ano, osobně je vybral náš pan plukovník Isaac Rabinowich"
295 21.12.2011 22:16:36 Two priests died at the same time and met Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter said, "I'd like to get you guys in now, but our computer's down. You'll have to go back to Earth for about a week, but you can't go back as priests. What'll it be?"The first priest says, "I've always wanted to be an eagle, soaring above the Rocky Mountains.""So be it," says St. Peter, and off flies the first priest.The second priest mulls this over for a moment and asks, "Will any of this week 'count,' St. Peter?""No, I told you the computer's down. There's no way we can keep track of what you're doing.""In that case," says the second priest, "I've always wanted to be a stud.""So be it" says St. Peter, and the second priest disappears.A week goes by, the computer is fixed, and the Lord tells St. Peter to recall the two priests."Will you have any trouble locating them?" He asks."The first one should be easy," says St. Peter. "He's somewhere over the Rockies, flying with the eagles. But the second one could prove to be more difficult.""Why?" asked the Lord."He's on a snow tire, somewhere in Saskatchewan".