254 21.12.2011 22:16:36 It was entertainment night at the senior center and the Amazing Claude was topping the bill. People came from miles around to see the famed hypnotist do his stuff. As Claude went to the front of the meeting room, he announced, "Unlike most hypnotists who invite two or three people up here to be put into a trance, I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience."The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat. "I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six generations."He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch..."The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until, suddenly...... it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces."Shit!" said the Hypnotist...It took three weeks to clean up the senior center.
228 21.12.2011 22:16:35 I was happy. My girlfriend and me were dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. My parents helped us in every way, my friends encouraged me, and my girlfriend? She was a dream! There was only one thing bothering me, quite much indeed, and that was my mother-in-law to be. She was a career woman, smart, but most of all beautiful and sexy, who sometimes flirted me, quite obviously too, and made me feel uncomfortable. One day, she called me and asked me to come over, to check the invitations. So I went. She was alone, and when I arrived, she whispered to me, that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she can't overcome. So before I get married and commit my life to her daughter, she wants to make love to me just once.. What could I say? I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word. So, she said, I'll go to the bedroom, and if you are up for it, just come and get me. I just watched her delicious behind as she went up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, and then turned around and went to the front door... I opened it, and stepped out of the house. Her husband was standing outside, and with tears in his eyes, hugged me and said, we are very happy and pleased, you have passed our little test. We couldn't have asked for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family. Lesson learned: Always keep your condoms in your car!
229 21.12.2011 22:16:35 After 25 years of service the postman was about to retire. On his last day he walked the same routine as he did for 25 years. When he arrived at the first house the people gave him fishing gear and wished him happy retirement. When he arrived at the second house the people gave him camping gear and wished him happy retirement. When he arrived at the third house a blond lady opened the door and invited him in. They went upstairs and had dirty sex for about two hours. She then made him breakfast and afterwards handed him a dollar. The postman was surprised, he asked: "Today you gave me the greatest sex I had for years, and breakfast was nice, but what's with the dollar"? The blond lady answered: "Last night, I was talking to my husband, I told him that today was your last day, and asked what should we do? My husband said: Fuck the postman! Just give him a dollar. And adding breakfast was my idea!"
215 21.12.2011 22:16:35 A lawyer was reading out the will of a rich man to the people mentioned in the will:"To you, my loving wife Rose, who stood by me in rough times, as well as good, I leave her the house and $2 million."The lawyer continued, "To my daughter Jessica, who looked after me in sickness and kept the business going, I leave her the yacht, the business and $1 million."The lawyer concluded, "And, to my cousin Dan, who hated me, argued with me, and thought that I would never mention him in my will - well you are wrong.Hi Dan!"
216 21.12.2011 22:16:35 Cards offering used textbooks for sale are posted on the college notice board at the beginning of each semester. One read: "Introduction to Psychology, $8, never used." The card was signed, "Must sell."The next day a note had been added: "Good price. Are you sure it's never been used?" Signed, "Prospective buyer."Below in a different hand was: "Positive!" Signed, "Professor who graded his exam."