340 21.12.2011 22:16:36 The hotel is pleased to announce a new service for weary travellers: transcendental meditation services.Enjoy release from stress, deep relaxation, and attain inner happiness with our in-house yogi -- 24 hours a day!The Transcendental Meditation technique is simple, natural, and effortless -- just 20 minutes brings relief from your successful travel day. This proven meditation technique requires no effort or concentration, no special skills, and no equipment to buy.Interested in joining us? Just pick up any house phone and dial "0" for the front desk and ask for Ooohhhmmmm Service.
338 21.12.2011 22:16:36 Eugene Judy, a professional genealogical researcher, discovered that Hillary Clinton's great-great uncle, Remus Rodham, a fellow lacking in character, was hanged for horse stealing and train robbery in Montana in 1889. The only known photograph of Remus shows him standing on the gallows.On the back of the picture is this inscription: "Remus Rodham; horse thief, sent to Montana Territorial Prison 1885, escaped 1887, robbed the Montana Flyer six times. Caught by Pinkerton detectives, convicted and hanged in 1889."Judy emailed Hillary Clinton @NY.Gov for comments.Hillary's staff of professional image adjustors cropped Remus's picture, scanned it, enlarged the image, and edited it with image processing software so that all that's seen is a head shot.They released it to the media with this accompanying biographical sketch:"Remus Rodham was a famous cowboy in the Montana Territory. His business empire grew to include acquisition of valuable equestrian assets and intimate dealings with the Montana railroad. Beginning in 1883, he devoted several years of his life to service at a government facility, finally taking leave to resume his dealings with the railroad. In 1887, he was a key player in a vital investigation run by the renowned Pinkerton Detective Agency. In 1889, Remus passed away during an important civic function held in his honor when the platform upon which he was standing collapsed."
337 21.12.2011 22:16:36 Of course, now that we have a national "do not call" list we won't have much of an opportunity to pull off something like this, but a friend of mine swears that he actually did:The phone rang as I was sitting down to my evening meal. As I answered it, I was greeted with, "Is this Jerrold Buller"? No one calls me "Jerrold" (not even my mom), so I asked who was calling. The telemarketer said he was with The Rubber Band Powered Freezer Company or something like that. Then, a really rotten but brilliant plan just exploded in my brain!I asked him if he knew Jerrold personally and why was he calling this number. I then said off to the side, "Get some pictures of the body at various angles -- and the blood smears."I then turned back to the phone and advised the caller that he had called a murder scene, making him a prime "person of interest," and that he must stay on the line because we had already traced this call and he would be receiving a summons to testify in this case.I questioned the caller at great length as to his name, address, phone number at home, at work, who he worked for, how he knew the dead guy and could he prove where he had been about one hour before he made this call. The telemarketer was getting very concerned and his answers were given in a shaky voice.I then told him we had located his position and the police were entering the building to take him into custody. At that point, I heard the phone fall and the scurrying clatter of his running away.My wife asked me as I returned to our table why I had tears of laughter streaming down my face and so help me, I couldn't tell her for about fifteen minutes. My food was cold, but who cares?
336 21.12.2011 22:16:36 Dear Computer Guy: Where do the characters go when I use my backspace or delete them on my PC?The characters go to different places, depending on who you ask.The Buddhist Explanation: If a character has lived rightly, and its karma is good, then after it has been deleted it will be reincarnated as a different, higher-order character.The Mac user's Explanation: All the characters written on a PC and then deleted go to straight to PC hell. If you're using a PC, you can probably see the deleted characters, because you're in PC hell too.Stephen King's Explanation: Every time you hit the Delete key you unleash a tiny monster inside the cursor, who tears the poor, unsuspecting characters to shreds, drinks their blood, then eats them, bones and all. Hah, hah, hah!The Christian's Explanation: The nice characters go to Heaven, where they are bathed in the light of happiness. The naughty characters are punished for their sins. Naughty characters are those involved in the creation of naughty words, such as "breast", "sex" and "contraception".Dave Barry's Explanation: The deleted characters are shipped to Battle Creek, Michigan, where they're made into Pop-Tart filling; this explains why Pop-Tarts are so flammable, while cheap imitations are not flammable. I'm not making this up.IBM's Explanation: The characters are not real. They exist only on the screen when they are needed, as concepts, so to delete them is merely to de-conceptualize them. Get a life.PETA's Explanation: You've been deleting them?!? Can't you hear them screaming?!? Why don't you go club some baby seals while wearing a mink, you bastard!?!
334 21.12.2011 22:16:36 The retired sanitation worker got a job on the railways as a steward one summer, and the first day he accompanied another steward to learn the ropes. "It's very simple," said his tutor, "just use diplomacy.""What's diplomacy?" asked the older man, as that was something he'd never needed in the sewers."Watch me, I'll show you," said the steward-in-charge.Off they went down the train corridor, rattling compartment doors, opening them with special keys and offering tea or coffee. When the tutor steward flung open one door, he was confronted with a buck-naked woman. Without batting an eyelid he asked, "Tea or coffee, sir?"The surprised woman took the cup of tea and he shut the door."Wow, did you see that cutie?" said the new steward. "She had no clothes on! But hey, why did you call her 'sir'?""That's diplomacy!" said his tutor. "I did not want to embarrass her, so I gave her the impression I wasn't looking close enough to see whether she was a man or a woman, let alone undressed. See?"The retired man was most impressed with his teacher. The next day, on his own now, he flung open a door to a compartment and found a couple making love on the bed."Tea or coffee, sir?""Tea," the man replied."And for your brother?"