345 21.12.2011 22:16:36 These came into by inbox swearing they were true examples of what newspapers in Britain included in their pages. Maybe they are, but it hardly matters: they're fun either way.Commenting on a complaint from a Mr. Arthur Purdey about a large gas bill, a spokesman for North West Gas said, "We agree it was rather high for the time of year. It's possible Mr. Purdey has been charged for the gas used up during the explosion that destroyed his house." --London Daily TelegraphPolice reveal that a woman arrested for shoplifting had a whole salami in her underwear. When asked why, she said it was because she was missing her Italian boyfriend. --Manchester Evening NewsIrish police are being handicapped in a search for a stolen van, because they cannot issue a description. It's a Special Branch vehicle and they don't want the public to know what it looks like. --Manchester GuardianA young girl who was blown out to sea on a set of inflatable teeth was rescued by a man on an inflatable lobster. A coast guard spokesman commented, "This sort of thing is all too common". --London TimesAt the height of the gale, the harbourmaster radioed a coastguard and asked him to estimate the wind speed. He replied he was sorry, but he didn't have a gauge. However, if it was any help, the wind had just blown his Land Rover off the cliff. --Aberdeen Evening ExpressMrs. Irene Graham of Thorpe Avenue, Boscombe, delighted the audience with her reminiscence of the German prisoner of war who was sent each week to do her garden. He was repatriated at the end of 1945, she recalled. "He'd always seemed a nice friendly chap, but when the crocuses came up in the middle of our lawn in February 1946, they spelt out 'Heil Hitler.'" --Bournemouth Evening Echo
343 21.12.2011 22:16:36 Programmer Turned Minister FAQQ: Does God control everything that happens in my life?A: He could, if he used the debugger, but it's tedious to step through all those variables.Q: Why does God allow evil to happen?A: God thought he eliminated evil in one of the earlier versions.Q: What causes God to intervene in earthly affairs?A: If a critical error occurs, the system pages him automatically and he logs on from home to try to bring it up. Otherwise things can wait until tomorrow.Q: Did God really create the world in seven days?A: He did it in six days and nights while living on cola and candy bars. On the seventh day he went home and found out his girlfriend had left him.Q: How come the Age of Miracles Ended?A: That was the development phase of the project; now we are in the maintenance phase.Q: Who is Satan?A: Satan is a MIS director who takes credit for more powers than he actually possesses, so people who aren't programmers are scared of him. God thinks of him as irritating but irrelevant.Q: What is the role of sinners?A: Sinners are the people who find new and imaginative ways to mess up the system when God has made it idiot-proof.Q: Where will I go after I die?A: Onto a backup tape.Q: Will I be reincarnated?A: Not unless there is a special need to recreate you. And searching those tar files is a major hassle, so if there is a request for you, God will just say that the tape has been lost.Q: Am I unique and special in the universe?A: There are over 10,000 major university and corporate sites running exact duplicates of you in the present release version.Q: What is the purpose of the universe?A: God created it because he values elegance and simplicity, but then the users and managers demanded he tack all this senseless stuff onto it and now everything is more complicated and expensive than ever.Q: If I pray to God, will he listen?A: You can waste his time telling him what to do, or you can just get off his back and let him program.Q: What is the one true religion?A: All systems have their advantages and disadvantages, so just pick the one that best suits your needs and don't let anyone put you down.Q: How can I protect myself from evil?A: Change your password every month and don't make it a name, a common word, or a date like your birthday.Q: Some people claim they hear the voice of God. Is this true?A: No -- they are much more likely to receive email.
341 21.12.2011 22:16:36 Dorothy and Edna, two "senior" widows, get together for their regular weekly tea date.Dorothy is always asked Edna advice. "That nice George Johnson asked me out for a date," she says. "I know you went out with him a few times, and I wanted to talk with you about him before I give him my answer.""Well, I'll tell you the honest truth," Edna answers. "He shows up at my apartment punctually at 7 P.M., dressed like such a gentleman in a fine suit, and he brings me such beautiful flowers! Then he takes me downstairs, and what's there but a luxury car... a limousine, uniformed chauffeur and all. Then he takes me out for dinner... a marvelous dinner... lobster, champagne, dessert, and after-dinner drinks. Then we go see a show. Let me tell you, Dorothy, I enjoyed it so much I could have just died from pleasure! So then we are coming back to my apartment and he turns into an ANIMAL! Completely crazy, he tears off my expensive new dress and has his way with me -- two times!""Goodness gracious!" Dorothy says. "So you are telling me I shouldn't go out with him?""No, no, no," Edna replies. "I'm just saying, wear an old dress!"
342 21.12.2011 22:16:36 A cocky Department of Agriculture representative stopped at a farm and talked with the old farmer, telling him, "I need to inspect your farm." The old farmer said "OK, but don't go in that field right over yonder."The Agriculture representative went red in the face and lectured, "Sir, I have the authority of the U.S. Government behind me. See this ID card? It means I am allowed to go wherever I wish on any agricultural land -- no questions asked or answered. Do you understand!?"The farmer nodded politely and went about his chores. Later, he heard loud screams and saw the Ag Rep running for the fence. Close behind was the farmer's huge-horned prize bull. The bull was madder than a nest full of hornets, and was gaining on the government man at every step."Help! HELP!" the Aggie screamed.The old farmer called out, "Show him your ID card! Show him your ID card!!"
339 21.12.2011 22:16:36 Two elderly friends, Bill and Sam, met in the park every day to feed the pigeons, watch the squirrels and discuss world problems.One day Bill didn't show up. Sam didn't think much about it, figuring maybe he had a cold or some such.But after Bill hadn't shown up for a week or so Sam really got worried. However, since the only time they ever got together was at the park, Sam didn't know where Bill lived so he was unable to find out what had happened to him.A month had passed and Sam figured he had seen the last of Bill, but one day Sam approached the park and lo and behold there sat Bill!Sam was very excited and happy to see him and told him so. Then he said, "For crying out loud Bill, what in the world happened to you?"Bill replied, "I have been in jail.""Jail?" cried Sam!! "What in the world for?""Well," Bill said, "you know Sue, that cute little blonde waitress at the diner where we sometimes get coffee?"Yeah," said Sam, "I remember her. What about her?""Well last month she charged me with sex assault and I was so proud that when I got into court, I pled 'guilty' -- and the judge gave me 30 days for perjury."