348 21.12.2011 22:16:36 An old, tired-looking dog wandered into the yard. I could tell from his collar (though no tags) and well-fed belly and clean that he had a home.He followed me into the house, down the hall, and promptly fell asleep on the couch.My dogs didn't seem to mind him. He seemed like a good dog and I was OK with him, so I let him nap. An hour later he ambled to the door and I let him out.The next day he was back, resumed his position on the couch, and slept for an hour.This continued for days. Curious, I pinned a note to his collar: "Every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap. I don't mind but want to be sure it's OK with you."The next day he arrived with a different note pinned to his collar."He lives in a home with six children -- all boys. I'm sure he's just trying to catch up on his sleep. May I come with him tomorrow?"
349 21.12.2011 22:16:36 Once upon a time in a village, a man appeared and announced to the villagers that he would buy monkeys for $10 each.The villagers seeing that there were many monkeys around, went out to the forest and started catching them. The man bought thousands at $10 and as supply started to diminish, the villagers stopped their effort. He further announced that he would now buy at $20. This renewed the efforts of the villagers and they started catching monkeys again.Soon the supply diminished even further and people started going back to their farms. The offer increased to $25 each and the supply of monkeys became so little that it was an effort to even see a monkey, let alone catch it!The man now announced that he would buy monkeys at $50! However, since he had to go to the city on some business, his assistant would now buy on behalf of him.In the absence of the man, the assistant told the villagers. "Look at all these monkeys in the big cage that the man has collected. I will sell them to you at $35 and when the man returns from the city, you can sell them to him for $50 each."The villagers rounded up with all their savings and bought all the monkeys. Then they never saw the man or his assistant, only monkeys everywhere!Now you have a better understanding of how the stock market works.
347 21.12.2011 22:16:36 A distinguished young woman on a flight from Switzerland asked the priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favor?""Of course. What may I do for you?""Well, I bought an expensive woman's electronic hair dryer for my mother's birthday that is unopened and well over the Customs limits, and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through Customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?""I be glad to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie."She nodded and accepted the risk. "With your honest face, Father, no one will question you."When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her.The official asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?""From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare."The official thought this answer was rather strange, so he asked, "And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?""I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused."It took a moment for the customs man to absorb the statement, but once he did he had a hard time keeping a straight face as he called out, "Next!"
346 21.12.2011 22:16:36 He ordered only one hamburger, only one order of French fries and only one drink. The old man unwrapped the plain hamburger, carefully cut it in half, and placed one half in front of his wife.He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into twopiles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife. Then he put the drink cup on the table, exactly half-way between him and his wife.As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them kept looking over and whispering. You could tell they were thinking, "That poor old couple -- all they can afford is one meal for the two of them."As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to the table. He politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man said they were just fine -- "We are used to sharing everything," he said simply.The surrounding people noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She sat there watching her husband eat.Again the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them. This time it was the old woman who said, "No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything."As the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man yet again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked, "OK, but what is it you are waiting for?"She paused a bit before she answered, as if it were quite obvious, "the teeth!"
344 21.12.2011 22:16:36 These came into by inbox swearing they were true examples of what conductors on the London Tube told passengers. Maybe they are, but it hardly matters: they're fun either way.Ladies and Gentlemen, I do apologize for the delay to your service. I know you're all dying to get home, unless, of course, you happen to be married to my ex-wife, in which case you'll want to cross over to the Westbound and go in the opposite direction.Your delay this evening is caused by the line controller suffering from E & B syndrome: not knowing his elbow from his backside. I'll let you know any further information as soon as I'm given any.Do you want the good news first or the bad news? The good news is that last Friday was my birthday and I hit the town and had a great time. The bad news is that there is a points failure somewhere between Stratford and East Ham, which means we probably won't reach our destination.We are now traveling through Baker Street. As you can see, Baker Street is closed. It would have been nice if they had actually told me, so I could tell you earlier, but no, they don't think about things like that.Beggars are operating on this train. Please do not encourage these professional beggars. If you have any spare change, please give it to a registered charity. Failing that, give it to me.Let the passengers off the train first! (Pause). Oh go on then, stuff yourselves in like sardines, see if I care -- I'm going home.Please allow the doors to close. Try not to confuse this with Please hold the doors open. The two are distinct and separate instructions.Please note that the beeping noise coming from the doors means that the doors are about to close. It does not mean throw yourself or your bags into the doors.We can't move off because some idiot has their hand stuck in the door.To the gentleman wearing the long grey coat trying to get on the second carriage: what part of 'stand clear of the doors' don't you understand?Please move all baggage away from the doors. (Pause) Please move all belongings away from the doors. (Pause) This is a personal message to the man in the brown suit wearing glasses at the rear of the train: Put the pie down, four-eyes, and move your bloody golf clubs away from the door before I come down there and shove them up your arse sideways!May I remind all passengers that there is strictly no smoking allowed on any part of the Underground. However, if you are smoking a joint, it's only fair that you pass it round the rest of the carriage.