371 21.12.2011 22:16:36 An elderly British gentleman of 83 arrived in Paris by plane.At the French immigration desk, the man took a few minutes to locate his passport in his carry-on bag."You have been to France before, Monsieur?" the Immigration officer asked, sarcastically.The elderly gentleman admitted he had been to France previously."Then you should know well enough to have your passport ready."The British gentleman says, "The last time I was here, I didn't have to show it.""Impossible. The British always have to show their passports on arrival in France!"The elderly gentleman gave the French Immigration Officer a long hard look.Then he quietly explained;"Well, the last time I was here, I came ashore on Juno Beach on D-Day in June 1944, and I couldn't find any fucking Frenchmen to show it to."
358 21.12.2011 22:16:36 A blonde city girl named Carol marries a Colorado rancher.One morning, on his way out to check on the back 40, the rancher says to Carol, "The artificial insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today, so I drove a nail into the 2 by 4 just above where the cow's stall is in the barn. Please show him where the cow is when he gets here, OK?"She agrees, and the rancher leaves for the fields. After a while, the artificial insemination man arrives and knocks on the front door.Carol takes him down to the barn. They walk along the row of cows and when Carol sees the nail, she tells him, "This is the one right here."The man, assuming he is dealing with an airheaded dumb blonde, asks, "Tell me lady, 'cause I'm dying to know; how would you know that this is the right cow to be bred?""That's simple," she said. "By the nail that's over its stall," she explains very confidently.Laughing rudely at her, the man says, "And what, pray tell, is the nail for?"The blonde turns to walk away and says sweetly over her shoulder, "I guess it's to hang your pants on."
352 21.12.2011 22:16:36 A company chairman was given a ticket for a performance of Schubert's Unfinished Symphony. Since he was unable to go, he passed the invitation to the company's Quality Assurance Manager.The next morning, the chairman asked him how he enjoyed it and, instead of a few plausible observations, he was handed a memorandum:1. For a considerable period, the oboe players had nothing to do. Their number should be reduced, and their work spread over the whole orchestra, thus avoiding peaks of inactivity.2. All twelve violins were playing identical notes. This seems unnecessary duplicative, and the staff of this section should be drastically cut. If a large volume of sound is really required, this could be obtained through the use of an amplifier.3. Much effort was involved in playing the demi-semiquavers. This seems an excessive refinement, and it is recommended that all notes should be rounded up to the nearest semiquaver. If this were done, it would be possible to use trainees instead of craftsmen.4. No useful purpose is served by repeating with horns the passage that has already been handled by the strings. If all such redundant passages were eliminated, the concert could be reduced from two hours to twenty minutes.In light of the above, one can only conclude that had Schubert given proper attention to these matters, he probably would have had the time to finish his symphony.
350 21.12.2011 22:16:36 In a small midwestern conservative town, there wasn't a place to get a drink for miles around, so a local entrepreneur saw an opportunity: He started to build a tavern.Liking a "dry" town, the local church started a campaign to block the bar from opening with petitions and prayers. The businessman was polite when congregants came to protest, but work continued on the tavern.But the night before the grand opening, a lightning strike hit the bar and it burned to the ground.The church folks were rather smug in their piousness after that -- until the bar owner sued the church on the grounds that the church was ultimately responsible for the destruction of his building, either through direct or indirect actions or means.The church vehemently denied all responsibility or any connection to the building's demise in its reply to the court.At the first hearing, the judge held up the paperwork and took in the lawyers and both sides of the lawsuit."I don't know how I'm going to decide this," the judge said, "but as it appears from the paperwork, we have a bar owner that believes in the power of prayer, and an entire church congregation that doesn't."
351 21.12.2011 22:16:36 A couple from Texas were taking a cross country drive, taking in sites they couldn't get back home.While driving through Wisconsin, they were often boggled by the place names, which peaked as they were approaching Oconomowoc.The couple started arguing about the pronunciation of the town's name. They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch, where they knew they could settle their bet as to how it was pronounced by asking a local.When it was their turn the man asked the cute young thing behind the counter, "Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are -- very slowly?""Sure," said the blonde girl. She leaned over the counter and said, "Burrrrrrgerrrrrr Kiiiinnnnng."