378 21.12.2011 22:16:36 Things You Don’t Want to Hear on an Airplane1. On an ocean crossing flight: “This is your Captain speaking, I just wanted to take this time to remind you that your seat cushions can be used as floatation devices…”2. “Hey folks, we’re going to play a little game of geography trivia. If you can recognize where we are, tell your flight attendant and receive an extra pack of peanuts.”3. “Our sudden loss of altitude allows a unique close up perspective of the local terrain. I assure you that it’s all part of our airlines new commitment to make your flight a sight seeing expedition.”4. “Goose! Bogey at 2 O’clock … He’s hot on our tail! … Eject! Eject!”5. As the plane turns around right after takeoff: “… uhhhhh … We have to go back. … We… We… uhhhhhh …forgot something…”6. “Ummmmmm … Sorry everybody …” (silence)7. “To the passengers on the right-hand side of the plane, I’m sure you’ve noticed the loss of an engine, however the reduction in weight and drag will mean we’ll be flying much more efficiently now.”8. “Fasten your seat belts!” (Spoken in the same tone your friend with suicidal driving tendencies uses when you get in a car.)9. “This is your Captain speaking, these damn planes are a lot different than the ships I’m used to… so please give me some leeway if this flight doesn’t go to well.”10. “It would be a good idea right now if everyone would close their shades and watch the in-flight movie.”11. “We’ve now reached our cruising altitude of 20,000 feet and … Damn!”12. “Aww, I can’t figure out how to turn this thing off and don’t worry, that gauge is always on ‘E’.”13. “Stewardess would you please bring four parachutes to the front cabin.”14. From the stewardess after placing a drink order: “Okay, this man wants a soda and we need three martinis for the cockpit.”15. “Hey, why don’t you tell that new stewardess she can come sit on my lap and fly the plane.”16. Thank you very much for choosing Mandarin Airlines. We’re now about taking off at Hong Kong Chek Lap Kok. At your right side you can see the beautiful ocean. In front you can watch the in-flight movie. At your left side… um… please don’t look at your left!
379 21.12.2011 22:16:36 On one particular flight the pilot had hammered his plane into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, give a smile, and a “Thanks for flying XYZ airline.”In light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment, but no one seemed annoyed. Finally everyone had gotten off except for one little old lady walking with a cane. She approached and asked conspiratorially, “Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?”“Why no Ma’am, what is it?”“Did we land or were we shot down?”
377 21.12.2011 22:16:36 As a crowded airliner is about to take off, the peace is shattered by a 5-year-old boy who picks that moment to throw a wild temper tantrum. No matter what his frustrated, embarrassed mother does to try to calm him down, the boy continues to scream furiously and kick the seats around him.Suddenly, from the rear of the plane, an elderly man in the uniform of an Air Force General is seen slowly walking forward up the aisle. Stopping the flustered mother with an upraised hand, the white-haired, courtly, soft-spoken General leans down and, motioning toward his chest, whispers something into the boy’s ear.Instantly, the boy calms down, gently takes his mother’s hand, and quietly fastens his seat belt. All the other passengers burst into spontaneous applause.As the General slowly makes his way back to his seat, one of the cabin attendants touches his sleeve. “Excuse me, General,” she asks quietly, “but could I ask you what magic words you used on that little boy?”The old man smiles serenely and gently confides, “I showed him my pilot’s wings, service stars, and battle ribbons, and explained that they entitle me to throw one passenger out the plane door on any flight I choose.”
372 21.12.2011 22:16:36 The priest in a small village was very fond of the chickens he kept in the hen house out behind the parish manse. He had a cock rooster and about ten hens.Well, one Saturday night, the cock rooster was missing, and because the priest had heard that cock fights occurred in the village, he decided to question his parishioners about it at church the next morning.At Mass, he asked the congregation, "Who's got a cock?"All the men stood up."No, No," he said, "That wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock?"All the women stood up."No, No," he said, "That wasn't what I meant either. Has anybody seen a cock that doesn't belong to them?"Half the women stood up."No, No," he said, "I meant: Has anybody seen MY cock?"Up stood five nuns, three altar boys, and two priests...
374 21.12.2011 22:16:36 From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue: “I’m f…ing bored!”Ground Traffic Control: “Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!”Unknown aircraft: “I said I was f…ing bored, not f…ing stupid!”