335 21.12.2011 22:16:36 The efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution: "You do not want to try these techniques at home!""Why not?" asked a man from the audience."After years of not paying attention, I suddenly noticed my wife's routine at breakfast," the expert explained. "She made lots of trips to the refrigerator, stove, table, and cabinets, often carrying just a single item at a time. 'Hon,' I suggested, 'Why don't you try carrying several things at once? It'd be much more efficient.'""Well, did your suggestions save much time?" the attendeed asked.The expert replied, "Actually, yes. It used to take her 20 minutes to get breakfast ready. Now I do it in seven."
333 21.12.2011 22:16:36 Two beggars are sitting side by side on a street in Rome.One has a Crucifix in front of him. The other one, the Star of David.Many people go by and look at both beggars, but they only put money into the hat of the beggar sitting behind the Crucifix. A priest comes by, stops and watches throngs of people giving money to the beggar behind the Crucifix, but nothing to the other beggar.Finally, the priest approaches the beggar behind the Star of David and says: "My poor fellow, don't you understand? This is a Catholic country."The man says nothing.The priest continues: "People aren't going to give you money if you sit there with a Star of David in front of you, especially when you're sitting beside a beggar who has a Crucifix."The man just stares at him."In fact," the man of the cloth concludes, "they probably give to him just out of spite."The beggar behind the Star of David finally turns to the other beggar with the Crucifix and says:"Moishe, look who's trying to teach the Goldstein brothers about marketing!"
330 21.12.2011 22:16:36 I have a friend who is president of his homeowner's association in Washington, D.C. They are having a terrible problem with trash on the side of the roads around his association's homes. The reason, according to him, is there are being built just next to them six new homes -- big ones! And the trash, he says, is coming from the Mexican work crews working at the construction sites. (McDonald's bags, Burger King trash, etc). He has pleaded with the site supervisors and the general contractor to no avail, called the city, county, the police and got no help.So they organized about twenty folks, named themselves the "Inner Neighborhood Services" to go out at lunch time and "police" the trash themselves. But that's not really the point of the story.They got some navy blue baseball caps and had the initials "INS" in gold put on the caps. It doesn't take a rocket scientist, however, to understand what they hoped people would think it means.Well the day after their first pick up detail, with them wearing their caps and some carrying cameras, 46 out of 68 of the construction workers didn't show up for work the next morning -- and haven't come back yet! It has been ten days.The General Contractor, I understand, is madder than hell, but can't say anything publicly because he could be busted for hiring "illegal aliens". My friend and his bunch can't be accused of impersonating INS folks, because they have it in their home owner association records the vote to form the new committee within their association, plus they informed the INS about what they were doing in advance, and the INS said, according to him, "have at it"!
331 21.12.2011 22:16:36 Three friends die in a car crash and they find themselves at the Gates of Heaven. Before entering, they are each asked a question by St. Peter himself."When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning upon you, what would you like to hear them say about you before they lower you into your grave?" asks St. Peter.The first guy says, "I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor and a wonderful family man."The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher who made a huge difference in our children."They all turn to the third guy, who looks like he's deeply pondering."I would like to hear," he says, "Wait! He's moving!"
332 21.12.2011 22:16:36 A woman with her own business was thriving based on her sterling reputation. When she decided she needed a lawyer to help her incorporate, she was worried that their typical reputation might stain hers, so she was carefully interviewing the available business lawyers."As I'm sure you can understand," she started off with one of the first applicants, "in a business like this, our personal integrity must be beyond question." She leaned forward. "Mr. Peterson, are you an 'honest' lawyer?""Honest?" replied the prospect. "Let me tell you something about honest! Why, I'm so honest that my dad lent me $105,000 for my education and I paid back every penny the minute I tried my very first case!""Impressive," she said. "I think you just may have the job."But then she saw a suspicious twinkle in his eye."Just a minute," she said. "What was your first case?""Well," he said, "my dad sued me for the money."