66 21.12.2011 22:16:34 A guy walks into a bar with an Octopus. He sits the Octopus down on a stool and tells everyone in the bar that this is a very talented Octopus. "He can play any musical instrument in the world." Everyone in the bar laughs at the man, calling him an idiot.So he says that he will wager L50 to anyone who has an instrument that the Octopus can't play. A guy walks up with a guitar and sets it beside the Octopus. Immediately the Octopus picks up the guitar and starts playing better than Jimi Hendrix. Everyone is amazed and the guitar man pays up his L50.Another guy walks up with a trumpet. This time the Octopus plays the trumpet better than Louis Armstrong. Everyone in the bar cheered and the trumpet guy hands over his L50.Then a Scotsman walks up with some bagpipes. He sits them down and the Octopus fumbles with it for a minute and then sits down with a confused look. "Ha Ha!" the Scot says. "Ye cannae play it, can ye?"At this the Octopus looks up at him and says... "Play it? I'm going to fuck it as soon as I figure out how to get its pyjamas off!"
48 21.12.2011 22:16:34 Gun Shop Owner: "Hi, How can I help you?"Client: "I'm lookin' for a gun."Owner:"What kind of gun are you lookin' for?"Client: (pointing at the biggest handgun in the case): "That one looks about right."Owner: (very surprised): "Why do you need a .44 magnum?"Client: "It's for shootin' at cans."Owner: (pointing at a small handgun): "Well, this is the perfect size for shooting at cans."Client: (pointing again at the .44): "Nah, I need this one."Owner: "OK, what kind a cans are you shooting at?"Client: "Mexi-cans... Puerto Ri-cans... Afri-cans..."
26 21.12.2011 22:16:34 The wheel gauge of a Roman War Chariot was 4 feet, 8.5 inches. Here's how I found out:The US Standard railroad gauge (distance between the rails) is 4 feet, 8.5 inches. That seems to be an exceedingly odd number.Why was that gauge used? Because that's the way they built them in England, and the US railroads were built by English expatriates.Why did the English people build them like that? Because the first rail lines were built by the same people who built the pre railroad tramways, and that's the gauge they used.Why did "they" use that gauge then? Because the people who built the tramways used the same jigs and tools that they used for building wagons, which used that wheel spacing.Okay then, why did the wagons use that odd wheel spacing? Well, if they tried to use any other spacing the wagons would break on some of the old, long distance roads, because that's the spacing of the old wheel ruts.So who built these old rutted roads? The first long distance roads in Europe were built by Imperial Rome for the benefit of their legions. The roads have been used ever since.And the ruts? The initial ruts, which everyone else had to match for fear of destroying their wagons, were first made by Roman war chariots. Since the chariots were made for or by Imperial Rome they were all alike in the matter of wheel spacing.Thus, we have the answer to the original question. The United States' standard railroad gauge of 4 feet, 8.5 inches derives from the original specification for an Imperial Roman army war chariot.Specs and Bureaucracies live forever. So, the next time you are handed a specification and wonder what Horse's Ass came up with it, you may be exactly right. Because the Imperial Roman chariots were made to be just wide enough to accommodate the backends of two war horses.Now the twist to the story.There's an interesting extension of the story about railroad gauge and horses' behinds. When you see a Space Shuttle sitting on the launch pad, there are two big booster rockets attached to the sides of the main fuel tank. These are the solid rocket boosters, or SRBs. The SRBs are made by Thiokol at a factory in Utah. The engineers who designed the SRBs might have preferred to make them a bit fatter, but the SRBs had to be shipped by train from the factory to the launch site.The railroad line to the factory runs through a tunnel in the mountains. The SRBs had to fit through that tunnel. The tunnel is slightly wider than a railroad track, and the railroad track is about as wide as two horses' behinds.So a major design feature of what is arguably the world's most advanced transportation system was determined by the width of a horse's ass.
24 21.12.2011 22:16:34 A man in his 40's bought a new BMW and was out on the interstate for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair, and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him."There's no way they can catch a BMW," he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100... then the reality of the situation hit him. "What the hell am I doing?" he thought and pulled over. The cop came up to him, took his license without a word, and examined it and the car."It's been a long day, this is the end of my shift, and it's Friday the 13th. I don't feel like more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go." The guy thinks for a second and says:"Last week my wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back.""Have a nice weekend," said the officer.
25 21.12.2011 22:16:34 An eccentric billionaire wanted a mural painted on his library wall, so he called in an artist. Describing what he wanted, the billionaire said, "I am a history buff, and I would like your interpretation of the last thing that went through Custer's mind before he died. I am going out of town on business for a week, and when I return I expect to see it completed."Upon his return, the billionaire went to the library to examine the finished work. To his surprise he found a painting of a cow with a halo. Surrounding this were hundreds of Indians in various sexual positions. Furious, he called the artist in. "What the hell is this?" screamed the billionaire."Why that's exactly what you asked for," said the artist smugly. "No! I didn't ask for a mural of pornographic filth. I asked for an interpretation of Custer's last thoughts!" "And there you have it," said the artist. "I call it, 'Holy cow, look at all those fucking Indians.'"