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Vítejte na VtipBázi

VtipBáze je - jak již bystřejším z vás došlo - databáze vtipů. Původně vzniklá z mé soukromé sbírky, kterou jsem se léta dokopával zveřejnit. Nakonec mě k tomu přiměl státní smutek, který mi přijde pitomý sám o sobě a v případě Havlova úmrtí teprve. Jak lépe bojovat proti hysterickému patosu, než vtipem?

Pokud zde svůj oblíbený vtip nenajdete, přidejte ho.

384 21.12.2011 22:16:37
Bezpecnostni ponauceni z pohadek:

Kuzlatka se zachovala podle doporuceni maminky kozy - zkontrolovala hlas, tlapku i ocasek. Presto dosla kuzlatka sezrani. Kde udelala kuzlatka chybu?

Chyba byla, mile deti, v tom, ze behem procesu autentifikace poskytla vlkovi udaje, ktere mit nemusel a mit nemel. Napriklad tedy ze selhal test hlasu ci test ocasku. Kuzlatka mela pouze oznamit negativni vysledek overeni identity a nezduvodnovat.

Stejnou chybu udelala i Karkulka, kdyz vlkovi vykecala nejen kam jde, ale i svuj login, takze neni divu, ze kdyz se vlk identifikoval jako "karkulka", babicka ho vpustila. Karkulku omlouva pouze to, ze kdyby tyhle informace vlkovi neposkytla, sezral by ji na miste a nepokousel se sezrat dve mouchy jednim hackem.
381 21.12.2011 22:16:37
A cop sees an older gentleman staggering slightly down the street. It's 1:00 in the morning. He pulls over for a chat.
"Good evening, sir," the cop says. "Is everything OK?"
"Why yes, officer, thank you," the man says, speaking a bit thickly.
"Where are you headed?" the cop asks.
"I'm on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body," the man says with certainty.
"Sir, it's 1:00 in the morning," the cop says. "Who would be giving a lecture on that topic at this hour?"
The man nods, looks the cop in the eye, and says, "My wife."
382 21.12.2011 22:16:37
Byl jednou jeden král a ten měl tři syny. Jednoho dne k nim takhle promluvil:
"Synové moji, vystřelte každý z luku a to, kam šíp dopadne, bude pro vás znamením, s kým se máte oženit."
A tak se i stalo. Nejmladší kralevic trefil staršího do prdele a nejstarší se střelil do ruky...
383 21.12.2011 22:16:37
"I'm not calling you a slut, but if your vagina had a password, it would be 1234."
380 21.12.2011 22:16:37
Best flight attendant of the world - before takeoff:
Hello, and welcome to Alaska Flight 438 to San Francisco. If you’re going to San Francisco, you’re in the right place. If you’re not going to San Francisco, you’re about to have a really long evening. We’d like to tell you now about some important safety features of this aircraft.
The most important safety feature we have aboard this plane are The Flight Attendants. Please look at one now.
There are 5 exits aboard this plane: 2 at the front, 2 over the wings, and one out the plane’s rear end. If you’re seated in one of the exit rows, please do not store your bags by your feet. That would be a really bad idea. Please take a moment and look around and find the nearest exit. Count the rows of seats between you and the exit. In the event that the need arises to find one, trust me, you’ll be glad you did. We have pretty blinking lights on the floor that will blink in the direction of the exits. White ones along the normal rows, and pretty red ones at the exit rows.
In the event of a loss of cabin pressure these baggy things will drop down over your head. You stick it over your nose and mouth like the flight attendant is doing now. The bag won’t inflate, but there’s oxygen there, I promise. If you are sitting next to a small child, or someone who is acting like a small child, please do us all a favor and put on your mask first. If you are traveling with two or more children, please take a moment now to decide which one is your favorite. Help your favorite first, and then work your way down.
In the seat pocket in front of you is a pamphlet about the safety features of this plane. I usually use it as a fan when I’m having my own personal summer. It makes a very good fan. It also has pretty pictures. Please take it out and play with it now.
Please take a moment now to make sure your seat belts are fastened low and tight about your waist. To fasten the belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle. To release, it’s a pulley thing — not a pushy thing like your car because you’re in an airplane.

After takeoff:
There is no smoking in the cabin on this flight. There is also no smoking in the lavatory. If we see smoke coming from the lavatories, we will assume you are on fire and put you out. This is a free service we provide.
There are two smoking sections on this flight, one outside each wing exit. We do have a movie in the smoking sections tonight … hold on, let me check what it is … Oh, here it is; the movie tonight is “Gone with the Wind.”
In a moment we will be turning off the cabin lights, and it’s going to get really dark, really fast. If you’re afraid of the dark, now would be a good time to reach up and press the yellow button. The yellow button turns on your reading light. Please don’t press the orange button unless you absolutely have to. The orange button is your seat ejection button.
We’re glad to have you with us on board this flight. Thank you for choosing AlaskaAir, and giving us your business and your money. If there’s anything we can do to make you more comfortable, please don’t hesitate to ask.
If you all weren’t strapped down, you would have given me a standing ovation, wouldn’t you?

After landing:
Welcome to the San Francisco International Airport. Sorry about the bumpy landing. It’s not the captain’s fault. It’s not the co-pilot’s fault. It’s the Asphalt.
Please remain seated until the plane is parked at the gate. At no time in history has a passenger beaten a plane to the gate. So please don’t even try.
Also, please be careful opening the overhead bins because….”shift does happen”.
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