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Vítejte na VtipBázi

VtipBáze je - jak již bystřejším z vás došlo - databáze vtipů. Původně vzniklá z mé soukromé sbírky, kterou jsem se léta dokopával zveřejnit. Nakonec mě k tomu přiměl státní smutek, který mi přijde pitomý sám o sobě a v případě Havlova úmrtí teprve. Jak lépe bojovat proti hysterickému patosu, než vtipem?

Pokud zde svůj oblíbený vtip nenajdete, přidejte ho.

352 21.12.2011 22:16:36
A company chairman was given a ticket for a performance of Schubert's Unfinished Symphony. Since he was unable to go, he passed the invitation to the company's Quality Assurance Manager.
The next morning, the chairman asked him how he enjoyed it and, instead of a few plausible observations, he was handed a memorandum:
1. For a considerable period, the oboe players had nothing to do. Their number should be reduced, and their work spread over the whole orchestra, thus avoiding peaks of inactivity.
2. All twelve violins were playing identical notes. This seems unnecessary duplicative, and the staff of this section should be drastically cut. If a large volume of sound is really required, this could be obtained through the use of an amplifier.
3. Much effort was involved in playing the demi-semiquavers. This seems an excessive refinement, and it is recommended that all notes should be rounded up to the nearest semiquaver. If this were done, it would be possible to use trainees instead of craftsmen.
4. No useful purpose is served by repeating with horns the passage that has already been handled by the strings. If all such redundant passages were eliminated, the concert could be reduced from two hours to twenty minutes.
In light of the above, one can only conclude that had Schubert given proper attention to these matters, he probably would have had the time to finish his symphony.
353 21.12.2011 22:16:36
Zaučuje starej nácek mladýho, pouští mu k tomu diapozitivy:
cvak - takže, mladej, tohle je hipík. Hipíci se nechtěj prát a ani to neumí, takže je řezej hlava nehlava.
cvak - tohle je pankáč. Ti se chtěj prát, ale neumí to, takže si s nima pohrávej, jak chceš.
cvak - a máme tu metalistu. Ti se nechtěj prát, ale když na to přijde, tak se umí ohánět. Ale taky to jde, když vás bude víc, žádnej problém.
cvak - tohle je historickej šermíř - chraň tě bůh, splíst si ho s hipíkem!
354 21.12.2011 22:16:36
Woman in labour, shouting and screaming: 'Get this out of me! Give me drugs!' She turns to the boyfriend and says 'You did this to me, you bastard!'.
He replied casually, 'If you remember, I wanted to stick it up your arse but you said, 'Fuck off- it'll be too painful! Now who's laughing?'
350 21.12.2011 22:16:36
In a small midwestern conservative town, there wasn't a place to get a drink for miles around, so a local entrepreneur saw an opportunity: He started to build a tavern.

Liking a "dry" town, the local church started a campaign to block the bar from opening with petitions and prayers. The businessman was polite when congregants came to protest, but work continued on the tavern.

But the night before the grand opening, a lightning strike hit the bar and it burned to the ground.

The church folks were rather smug in their piousness after that -- until the bar owner sued the church on the grounds that the church was ultimately responsible for the destruction of his building, either through direct or indirect actions or means.

The church vehemently denied all responsibility or any connection to the building's demise in its reply to the court.

At the first hearing, the judge held up the paperwork and took in the lawyers and both sides of the lawsuit.

"I don't know how I'm going to decide this," the judge said, "but as it appears from the paperwork, we have a bar owner that believes in the power of prayer, and an entire church congregation that doesn't."
351 21.12.2011 22:16:36
A couple from Texas were taking a cross country drive, taking in sites they couldn't get back home.
While driving through Wisconsin, they were often boggled by the place names, which peaked as they were approaching Oconomowoc.
The couple started arguing about the pronunciation of the town's name. They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch, where they knew they could settle their bet as to how it was pronounced by asking a local.
When it was their turn the man asked the cute young thing behind the counter, "Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are -- very slowly?"
"Sure," said the blonde girl. She leaned over the counter and said, "Burrrrrrgerrrrrr Kiiiinnnnng."
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